God, Are you awake?
Um… God. Are you awake?
Yes Carey, I am awake.
Well I just got a phone call from Eric and it is slightly troubling. It sounds like he could possibly, maybe, be told he does not have a job in the next hour.
Yes, I know about the phone call. I know about the ins and outs of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Okay, well then could you take care of that?
…
Here I am on my knees, crying, begging “please God, please! I am not interested in traveling this road. Can you please stop whatever is about to happen? …. But God if it can’t be stopped can you help us? Can you walk with us? Can you make it very clear how we are to walk this journey?”
Yes, Carey. I am here, will be here, and will never leave you.
Okay God. Okay. I trust you.
{an hour and a half passes}
God, the call came. It is real. There is no more safety to be found in his job. God it doesn’t even seem real. Three hours ago, five hours ago, 24 hours ago everything was fine, just fine. There is and was no need for things to change. Really, no need.
I had plans. We had plans. We had made wise plans. Plans that were doing your will to be debt free and that freedom would allow me room to be at home with the kids and care for our home. God I don’t understand this at all. This makes no sense. We have been so faithful. We give and then we give above and beyond. I don’t even think twice about it anymore. Sure we enjoy a night out here or there but we have done it systematically. We rarely if ever just splurge or go crazy. You don’t need to teach us any kind of lesson on that. We got it. I promise we got it!
Why? Why does this need to happen. The stress this is going to cause. The worry, doubt, and fear that will come. The ugliness! How is Eric going to be? We know, we know, we know this is not performance driven and it was just across the country cuts but I don’t want him to have to endure the ordeal of finding a new job.
God, I want our plans back. I don’t want to have to sit around wondering, thinking “I don’t know”, thinking “what if”. I am just not interested in this. Fix it God. I demand you fix this!
Are you done?
Yes. I think so. I have plenty else to say. But, for now I am done.
Carey, I love you. I love Eric. I love Avery and Renn. This was not done to you. This just is. It is a part of living in the world. How you respond to what happens to you in the world is what will define who you are in me.
Okay. I hear you. I don’t like what I hear but I hear you.
Carey, do you remember the church you worked for that you thought would be THE church you worked for your entire life?
Yes.
Do you remember that it all came to a crash and burn due to humanness?
Yes.
Do you remember the three month journey you walked full of ups and downs, lots of tears, lots of confusion, and lots of pain?
Yes. I never forget it.
We were close then. Probably the closest we have ever been. You relied on me for everything. You look back now and know it was the right journey for you. You learned more about yourself during that three month than the 28 years you lived before it. You wouldn’t exchange that time for anything would you?
No. I wouldn’t.
And do you remember the multiple relationships that YOU thought were THE ONE? I could name them all but there is no need. You know.
Yes. I remember.
Each one you cried out and asked me to fix it. Those cries were met with a different answer than you wanted, weren’t they?
Yes.
Are you sorry now? Now that you have Eric and the kids do you wish life looked differently?
Of course not! That is absurd.
Okay then Carey. I could list 10, 20, 30, 100’s more examples from your own life of when the tough road, the difficult road, the one you think you don’t want to walk is actually the road that will grow you and bring you to the place I have designed perfectly for you. Do you believe me?
Yes. I believe you. I have lived it. I don’t like it but I believe you.
Carey, let’s talk. Talk more. Like this. Pen to paper, on your knees, in your tears, in your frustration, in your worries, in your doubts, I am here. I am here.
Okay God. I get it. But I feel like I can hardly breathe. Help me. Please, help me.
Carey, be still. Be very, very still and know. Know in the depths of your soul that I am God and I will never leave you or forsake you. You are my child and I have plans for you.