God, why did you make tears?
I have learned over the years to not ignore my tears.
One of my therapists always made me explain them away. “What do the tears mean?” she would say. I used to reply with an “I don’t know” but she was always quick to say “They mean something. So what do they mean?”
God, I can cry at the drop of the hat right now. If someone ask me how I am I mask it for as long as I can but if they talk to me for too long my throat tightens, my voice changes, and I begin the fight to hold the flood back.
Why? What do the tears mean?
The only answer I come up with is fear. Fear of feeling insecure? Fear of what You could be doing? Fear of my hopes for 2013 being dashed? Fear. While I have general fears like water, clowns, losing my children I consider myself a risk taker in a lot of ways. I wouldn’t have this if I wasn’t willing to walk off a few ledges in my lifetime. I want to be a willing disciple that gets out of the boat AND keeps my eyes on you. But right now I feel like I am treading water as I wonder where you are. That is not a comfortable feeling for me.
God, honestly the tears are not helpful. They make me feel an emotion I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to be worried about this! I don’t. I want to be excited, hopeful, wondering in anticipation what you are going to do. I want to wake up each day looking forward to the challenges ahead rather than begging you for a quick response. I want to be a positive little light in this circumstance but alas I am teary. And I suppose the tears mean something.
Why does that “something” have to be bad? Can’t that something just be a reminder that you feel, that you are real, and that no matter how strong your faith is you have doubts and in those doubts we grow stronger. It is because of those tears, those fears, and those worries that we are visiting more often and that your ears are perked.
I guess. You don’t see them as a sign of weakness?
I fear that my tears mean I am not holding it together enough.
When the tears come hold onto this:
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.”Found in Psalm 126:5Don’t fear your tears. They simply keep you in tune as we walk this journey together.
Together. We walk it together.